pride & envy, postmodernism & experience

envy is one of my biggest pitfalls. my life is going along fine and i'm pretty darn content and then i find out that someone has something that i don't have but that i want. and i get all ornery and mad. i ask God millions of why questions and complain His ear off. i get angry and bitter and depressed. then i get depressed for getting depressed and it becomes this cycle that never ends. yeah, it's a pitfall. ...but i think pride is worse. wednesday was prayer day here and during chapel time we had a speaker from a church called seacoast. he gave the testimony of how God started the church, its beginnings, and where the church is at now. if you go here you can see their view on worship. ultimately, they want to allow for people to experience God. they use worship as a response to the truths found in Scripture. (now of course it is the individual worshipper that does or does not experience God and you can experience God anyplace, but i do think there are circumstances and surroundings that better aid in this process, places of truth, goodness, love, grace, peace, etc.) so i want to experience God. i want it to be emotional. i want it to be holistic. and i don't think that's bad or unbiblical. i think it's cool. i think it's heavenly. because the more i experience God, the more i'll want to experience Him, the more i'll know Him, the more i'll want to know more of Him, and the more others will notice Him in me. see, it is cool, huh? ...oh, back to pride. i think responding to God, especially holistically, is extremely humiliating. i seriously many times suppress an "hallelujah" or "amen" that boils up in me from the depths of my soul. sometimes i prevent my hands from going in the air to worship even when it is an extremely natural response to my emotions to my God. i stop myself from dancing or shouting or kneeling or anything because, oh my gosh, someone might see. or someone might see that i am relishing in God's grace and they'll know how desperately i need it. and i just think if i could just get rid of this pride, how much more joyful my life would be. because honesty breeds joy, i think. and i think i would love people differently, more effectively. ...and i don't think all of postmodernism is bad. all of modernism isn't good and right and true. just like different cultures from different countries, there is good and bad with all. the standard is God - He is good and right and true and beautiful. and so i think there is some good to redeem from the postmodern way of thinking. ...hmmm... this is all very interesting to think about, huh?